I don’t know why it took me so long to do this. It was super easy too…just went to Walgreens and got my passport picture taken, and the friendly lady behind the counter told me all about the special endorsements. Did you know that during the Dick Cheney Administration they changed the rules for passports? You can now get, for only $5, a Waterboarding Endorsement, for $10 you can get an Enhanced Interrogation Endorsement, but for only $19 you can get the Licensed to Kill Endorsement. With the Licensed to Kill endorsement, you get the waterboarding, enhanced interrogation, rendition, AND a license to kill, and you get to avoid all those namby-pamby do-goodnik special investigations – You can’t afford not to get one!
Anyway, friends are asking where I am going to go first. Well, my first trip will be to Australia, after a brief stop-over in Singapore, and me and Penny and the Count will solve the mystery of the missing Malaysian jetliner. It’s always where you least expect it, so we are gonna check all the coat pockets. Then I’m flying over to Russia, and going to give ol’ Vlad a growling of a lifetime, and I promised Ed Snowden’s mama I’d bring his son home by his whistle-blowing ears. Oh, and on the way home, I was going to stop in North Korea and interview Kim Jong-un. What could go wrong with that?
Sgt. Angus Fala