Salutations and hope this Saturday finds you well. I have good news for you fellow scientific travelers.
Coming back to Angus Manor (Still Open Under New Management) last night (see illustration 1). I had a “Eureka” moment on something that has vexed Canine Scientists for 12 generations (roughly 36 hooman years). I believe I have now solved the Patrol Success paradox.
As we all now, Madame Fluffy, in her seminal work published back in the 70’s (Fluffy, 1979, “Patrol Success Equation Revealed”, French Poodle Scientific Quarterly, Autumn 79, pp 54-72) postulated that patrol success was a combination of courage and canine experience (see Exhibit 1)
This intrigued the k9 scientific community, and funds were pored in by various guard dog agencies. Leibwitz Shepherd concentrated on the Experience portion of the equation, and made a breakthrough as seen in Exhibit 2 (Leibwitz, 1982, “Experience as it relates to Breed”, Alsatian Guard Dog Mercenary Weekly, 232, pp. 123-153).
Ah. Quite the breakthrough. Then the Italian Greyhound Scientist, Bowser, refined the breed component even more. Breaking down breed to both size and tenacity (called in some quarters the Terrier Component. He published his findings 4 generations after Leibwitz (Bowser, 1993, “Breed Composition Devolution”, New England Journal of Canine Science, 232, pp. 343-426). See Exhibit 3
Then we have been stuck in a dead end for many generations. We had some blind alleys and wrong turns, as Buffy Cocker published an index of breeds in Sussex Scientific Quarterly and Field Dog Trial Results, which famously had to be retracted later that year. But hope of a breakthrough came as the Chinese Government has poured a lot of funds into their defense canine program of late, and took out the inverse component of Leibwitz equation back in 2011 (Ping, 2011, “Breed Experience Component Evaluations and Findings”, Guangdzong Defense Annual Review, 23, pp. 72-97)
But then last night I had my breakthrough moment, which I think will set the canine scientific community on its 2 big upright ears, or in some cases, floppy ears. Since Angus has died, I note I am not leading the pack anymore. I’m trailing behind. Then, last night, to my embarrassment, a 3 pound (1.5 kg) Maltese came out of nowhere to our left on my patrol, and I bolted in the opposite direction to my right several meters, until my velocity was decelerated by my leash (material: pink fabric). So I realized without Angus, BOTH the courage component and the Experience component are much reduced. By an exponential and an addition factor, as seen in my hypothesis in Exhibit 4.
I will be presenting my equation, my supporting paper and supporting appendix of test results, at the Aberdeen Scottie War College Symposium this summer, and also look for my paper in Scientific Scottie American’s August Journal.
Sincerely,
A. McKenna
Angus Fala Worldwide Enterprises 
We believe this model holds real potential to undermine the traditional Patrol Success equations. We are looking forward to your presentation this summer at the symposium, Dr. McKenna.
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Nice theory, but just add a pesky cat to that formula, and you’ve got an uncontrolled nuclear reaction on your hands, er, paws.
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Good question Mr. Boxer. We have been studying the Feline Issue for thousands of years, and have not figured out the Cat Condudrum. Namely, why do hoomans keep those vermin in the house, and don’t allow us to eradicate them. So in my equation, I assumed a perfect world, in which Cn<1, which would be number of cats, is reduced to zero.
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Fluffy left out an important factor, I (intelligence).
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I applaud you Ainsley. With my human brain there is just toooooo much for me to digest and understand. You should be nominated for a Golden Patrol Award, not to be confused with an Academy Patrol Award, on this one. (May I add Golden as in metal, wealth, bling, not the animal version)
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Errrr, sorry you lost this pup at ‘P = ‘
I always thought Pee = a chorus of ‘good girl’ unless of course it happens indoors!
Loves and licky kisses
Princess Leah xxx
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Gee now I know why our thing is literature our heads are spinning from all those thing–a-bobs you were writing no wonder that you are so much smarter then us.
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There was an awful lot of Bs….(breed size), so SB and I are still working your equations. Our congratulations on such original thinking, well written proofs, and such a far reaching Index. It was truly an ephiany!
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Oops, I did not mean to be anonymous…..and that’s no bs !
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Holy crap your smart
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Holy crap your smart
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Just one question… what the heck have you been smoking?????
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You know, Ainsley, even Skye Hawking eventually presented an equation that reversed his original theory about a black hole.
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Aroooooooooooooo
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Very deep and very full of thorough reserach, Miss Ainsley McKenna! Looks like a scientific fact. Indisputable. Good luck with your presentation!
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Shouldn’t the equation take into account the ratio of “NOWHERE” to “SOMEWHERE” ? I think SOMEWHERE changes things. Of course, my degree is heavy in the Humanities and I am a little baffled by your data. Our scots were into
the culinary arts.
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Hi Uncle Bob. Tell Aunt Judy we”ll see her in May.
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WOW. And Sir Angus referred to you as being “stoopid.” Little did he know what a genius he had in you and failed to put you in a proper position in the corporation. Amazing Ainsley !!
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Ainsley….great work….you may not be the greatest guard dog on patrol….but you scientific contributions to the dog world , will set you apart from all others….the intelligence you have shown does establish you as the rightful CEO of Angus Worldwide Enterprises!….we bow to the new leader….long may the Queen rule!
The Mad Scots
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I learns why iza beez a fraidy cat today fanks 😂😂😂😂😂
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You fraidy too, Penny?
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I am happy to say this: you’re brilliant Ainsley!! Good scientific breakthrough! But I also have to add, I ain’t clever enough to keep up with you. I never had any education you see, so I struggle a little to read your scientific paper. Munchkin had to translate it for me.
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You see, I don’t even know how to leave a reply properly. I don’t mean to be anonymous. I’m Ruffles, but perhaps you already know that.
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Wow. Those are BIG words Ainsley. You are far cleverer than you gave yourself credit for and then to present it at the Aberdeen Scottie War College Symposium…..WOW !!
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Hmmm… You’re on to something there… I’m looking forward to reading more of your research.
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Sheer brilliance Ainsley!
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