Good Fences Make Stoopid Strangers

I have a small parcel of land that is mine and mine alone.  It is probably about 7000 square feet, and enclosed in a fence.

This land is not the bank’s, it’s not Barack Obama’s, not Donald Trump’s, not Vladimir Putin’s, not ISIS’s, not yours, not your dog’s – it’s mine.  It’s called the backyard.

As a puppy, while brother Angus would play in there and mug for the camera, I took it upon myself to guard and protect it.

angus and ainsley 9-3-2013 2-26-06 PM

 

I got a million photos like this.  Angus in the foreground, barking or playing or having a ball in his mouth, and in the background, there will be me, on the fence line.  In good weather and in bad.

angus looking at camera ainsley away 1-27-2011 1-45-42 PM

 

So now that I have set the background, let me tell you a little story about yesterday.

ainsley in fence with sun 3-14-2015 5-40-23 PM

Mama let me outside, about oh nine hundred, for the 2nd time yesterday, and she settled down in her recliner with a diet coke, and then heard me barking (aka acoustic salvo launching).

In itself, my firing acoustic salvos at the yard is not unusual.  It’s what I do.  I’m protective about 2 things in this world.  First is the car, when I am in it alone.  I’m gonna defend it.  If staff is in the car, not so much.  They can defend it for themselves.  The second thing is my backyard.  And I will defend it if staff it out there or not.  I’m always watching – alert.  Looking for threats to the fenceline.

ainsley watching 3-13-2015 5-54-35 PM

Anyway, where was I in my story?  Oh yes, barking.  So Mama thought, “Do I need to get up?”  Not unless Ainsley doesn’t stop soon.  Then she heard a terrible ruckus.  Acoustic Salvos being fired at a rapid more frantic rate, and growling and all sorts of commotion.  So this time, she decides, i gotta get up now and see what is going on.

So she goes to the backdoor, opens it, and there I am, at the fence line, and just outside the fence is a woman carrying away a little dustmop of a dog, glaring at me!  The stranger walks back to the sidewalk, and then puts little dustmop dog on the sidewalk, and walks away.

ainsley in fence 2-24-2016 7-28-41 AM

Now, questions for the glaring lady:

First, why did you walk to the fenceline?  It’s a good 20-30 feet from the sidewalk to my fence.  Nobody gets to visit unless you are on the guest list.  And let me see – I don’t see don’t see your name, and I don’t see Dustmop’s name either.  I don’t even see Paul McCartney’s name (which is the only thing I have in common with Tyga, I suppose)  In fact, yesterday’s invited guest list was empty.  Nobody was on it.  So why did you think it was a wonderful idea to walk up to my fence?

Second, in what point during my acoustic salvo firing did you think I was saying, “hey, I like you, come up and see me?”  I mean, a dog with a mouth like a German Shepherd and huge outsized teeth doesn’t seem that friendly, I wouldn’t think.  And I am a terrier, right?  I look like a Scottie, the AKC says I am a Scottie. So whadaya know, I am a Scottish Terrier.  Not a Golden…not a Lhasa Apso, not a stoopid friendly beagle…I am a Terrier.  Do I look approachable to you???  Maybe one of my acoustic salvos misfired, and instead of saying what I intended for it to convey, which was “Get the Hell Away from my Yard,” perhaps it said “Hey, come on down.”  If it did say that, please let me know.  I will need to call Scottish Terrier Acoustic Salvo Technical Support and ask them what the problem is with my acoustic salvos.

Third question – why you glaring at me?  Why don’t you take a little mirror out of your purse, and glare at the reflection.  Cause the only one here doing what they are NOT supposed to be doing was you.  You Maroon!

 

 

Blue Eyed Devils

I had an encounter with a Husky yesterday, and I am sad to say I didn’t cover our breed with glory.

Let me back up a bit – to about 3 pm yesterday.  Catman (the male staffer at the Ainsley Institute – we call him Catman because a few years ago he was overheard by Angus telling Mama that he would prefer having just cats – cause “they are friendlier than Scotties and a lot less trouble”) took me to the Dog Park.  Ever since I beat up that Pitbull late last year, he looked carefully at the dogs at the dog park.   There were about 4 dogs in there…all bigger, with one Husky.  Catman thought we might should leave – but I saw we were at the dog park and badly wanted to go in.  So, he said ok, I’m not sure about this, but we will walk to the gate and see how they act.

Well, at the gate they all seemed ok.  No growling.  All of the dogs were bigger than me, of course.  Besides the Husky there was a lab, and a couple of other mutty looking dogs.  So I go in.

We were in there about 2 or 3 minutes, no trouble, when 2 of the dogs left.  Then it was just me, the Husky, and the Lab.  Then the Lab’s hooman decided to pet the Husky.

Let me digress a moment here.  Hoomans!  The Dog Park isn’t about you, if it was it would be the HOOMAN PARK!  You should really leave us alone, don’t touch us.  That adds an element of jealousy and emotions in there that messes the whole dynamic up!

So anyway, what do you think happened?  Anybody?  What you say over there?  That everyone got along famously, and the Lab and Husky became best friends?  WRONG!  Sit in the corner and shut up!

No, the Lab of course, growled at the Husky, the Husky, cause the Husky ain’t a golden retriever, growled back, and a scuffle ensued.  I was about 50 feet away, but I tried to charge right in there and get in the middle of it.

So now, the Lab left.  Just me and the Husky.

Let me describe the Husky for you.  He was, as Bernie Sanders would describe, YUGE!   At least 100 pounds – a very big husky.  With those diabolical soulless blue eyes that Huskies have.  You look in there, and you realize you can see Satan in there.  And worse yet, about 2 years old.  The frisky, I wanna irritate you, age.

So now that it was just me and him…what did he do?  He bounded over to me.  Of course, I see a 100 pound devil dog running to me, I growl.  What does he do…growl back.  I’m right by Catman now, trying to use him as tactical cover – and I don’t know why I did what I did next.

I JUMPED ON CATMAN TO HAVE HIM PICK ME UP AND KEEP ME SAFE!

Yes, I know.  I’m quite aware of Scottie Military Code and Rule 17-D – never rely on a hooman to keep us safe.  I don’t know what I was thinking.  I panicked.

Anyway – we immediately left.  The Husky maintained control of the battlefield.

I was hoping it could be my little secret – just me and Catman would know.  But I forgot that evil Husky wouldn’t keep a secret.

Last night I heard thunder.  I know what that was.

It wasn’t a stream of electrons, heated to 50,000 degrees Fahrenheit, which as it cools produces a resonating tube of partial vacuum surrounding the lightning’s path, generating a sound we call thunder.

No -it wasn’t that at all.  I’m a scientist, I know these things.

No, the Thunder I heard was Angus Fala throwing chairs around at his Boiled Egg & Ice Cream Parlor up at the Rainbow Bridge.

I would recognize my brother Angus’s tantrums anywhere.  Even from Earth while he is up there at the Bridge.

Angus knows what happened.

And if he knows, Scottie HQ is sure to know soon.

So I am pretty depressed today – afraid of the ramifications for my career as a Scottie.  Here is a picture of me – alone with my thoughts this morning.  This could be bad.  Yuge.

ainsley in living room 2-22-2016 7-01-25 AM

 

 

Downtown

“Downtown”

Originally recorded by Petula Clark,CBE, in London, England in 1964

Music & Lyrics by Tony Hatch

Revised Lyrics by Ainsley McKenna

 

ainsley lying on floor at office 2-19-2016 12-23-43 PM

 

When you’re alone and life is making you lonely

 You can always go downtown

When you’ve got worries all the noise and the vermin

 Seems to help I know,downtown

ainsley with mama downtown 2-20-2016 12-38-44 PM

Just Listen to the music of the rodents in the city

Linger on the sidewalk where the pigeon poop smells so pretty

How can you Lose?

The Rats are Much bigger there

You can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares

ainsley with head in mattress 2-20-2016 12-46-12 PM

So go downtown

Things will be great when you’re downtown

No Finer place for sure, Downtown

The Vermin is waiting for you

ainsley with mama 2-20-2016 12-59-50 PM

Don’t hang around and let the huskies surround you

There are rodents to kill, downtown

Maybe you know some little places to go to

where they don’t hide so well, downtown

ainsley in alley 2-20-2016 12-46-08 PM

Just listen to the rhythm of a bunny running for cover

You’ll be killin’ them all before the night is finally over

Happy Again

The Rats are much bigger there

You can forget all your troubles, forget all you cares

ainsley in wind with mama 2-20-2016 1-06-00 PM

So go downtown

Where all the rats are big, downtown

Waiting for you tonight, downtown

You’re gonna eat well now, downtown

Downtown

Downtown

ainsley closer with mama 2-20-2016 12-54-20 PM

And you may find some Scottie to help and understand you

A Scottie as bloodthirsty as you and needs a gentle paw to

Guide them along

So Maybe I’ll see you there

We can forget all our troubles, forget all our cares

ainsley with mama 2-20-2016 1-08-14 PM

So go downtown

Vermin killing will be great when you’re downtown

No Better Rodent Infested place for sure, Downtown

The Vermin is waiting for you

February 14 – the week that was

ainsley outside  1-31-2016 12-00-36 PM

Well now, how was your week?  I’m gonna tell you mine, in pictures and words.

It’s been a pretty cold week here at the Ainsley Institute, a few neighborhood patrols, one bath, some sentry duty, some TV watching, and an overnight stay at the Aunt Judy Inn.

First off, come Tuesday, me and Mr. Bear watched the election returns from New Hampshire.  Mr. Bear, being a supporter of Bernie Sanders, and Donald Trump, was quite happy.

me and mr bear 2-9-2016 8-43-56 PM

I can’t say I was thrilled though.

The next few days were uneventful.  I didn’t even get a visit to see Ms. Mary at Angus Fala Worldwide HQ and get a performance bonus, and believe it or not, on Thursday,  I didn’t get a car ride.  Much of the day I spent in my favorite place – under the bar stools.

at home with ainsley 2-11-2016 6-04-06 PM

Things started picking up toward the end of the week.  Got a card in the mail from Skyler Braveheart – my only Valentine’s Day card to date.

card from skyler 2-11-2016 6-04-35 PM

Come Friday, my staff decided to go to Chicago and see the play about Carole King.  I got the better end of the deal – I got a nice relaxing stay at the Aunt Judy Inn.  Here I am utilizing their early morning check-in service.

waiting for aunt judy 2-9-2016 7-02-48 PM

Yes, it was cold this weekend.  Yesterday, the low got down to -1 at the Inn, and quite windy too, hence my sweater.

It was a delightful stay.  A 45 minute spa massage from Aunt Judy, meals included Fish and Chicken Liver, and of course plenty of treats…

ainsley with uncle bob 2-9-2016 7-07-14 PM

So that’s about it this week for Valentine’s Week for me.  Just leave you with one thing – I’m trying to convince Aunt Judy to allow Angus Fala Worldwide to franchise the Aunt Judy Inn – wouldn’t you want one in your neighborhood too?

ainsley at aunt judy 2-9-2016 7-24-56 PM

Aunt Judy is hard to convince and is withholding the licensing rights – she is afraid she will lose her quality control.

Fear not – I’m still working on her about it.  I’m gonna get this deal made.

Til next week –

Captain Ainsley McKenna, CEO
Angus Fala Worldwide Enterprises

 

Come Saturday Morning

This morning, me and the staff traveled to the town of Mendota, about 30 minutes north of the Ainsley Institute.

Mendota is the home of Angus Manor 1 – my late great brother Angus lived there for the first 7 years of his life with the staff, and they moved to the current Ainsley Institute (formerly known as Angus Manor, or Angus Manor II) about 8 years ago.

Staff has been in the habit of taking me different places to walk most mornings.  I enjoy barking to my neighbor Luke the Poodle as much as the next dog, but let’s face it – the areas around the Institute are well pacified.  Hearts and Minds have been won.  Kinda boring.  So I need new areas to explore and put under the rule of my iron paw.

So anyway, we went to Mendota this morning, arriving around daybreak.  First thing I saw – SQUIRRELS!  Ficelle, my Canadian Scottie friend, has warned me about these crafty little ba$#ar%$, and I couldn’t get one.  Wasn’t from lack of trying though.squirrel up tree 2-6-2016 7-05-56 AM

Then we went up this big hill, and surveyed the countryside.

lake mendota 2-6-2016 7-09-04 AM

And then we walked through some woods and meadows, and reached the shores of a frozen Lake Kakusha

ainsley icy lake 2-6-2016 7-19-03 AM

Saw a big stoopid lab and a Schnauzer on my way back to the Scottie War Wagon – but no auditory salvos were exchanged.

Then back home, and then a short walk in the pacified ‘hood for a well-deserved R&R at Aunt Judy’s.

ainsley aunt judy lap 2-5-2016 6-45-26 PM

Have a good Saturday.

Captain Ainsley McKenna